Where's the flame?

If you were to read the Moody UMC newsletter this week, you would see an article about fanning the flames. Earlier this week, the author of that article shared his planned topic. We discussed his impression that some people wonder if the flame of the Holy Spirit is burning as brightly as it should. He shared that was reminded of what Paul tells Timothy when he says, “I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of My hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 2:6-7).

Our conversation noted that the flames of the church depend on the people fanning its flames by praying for the different ministries of the church, by participating in the ministries, by giving to the ministry budget of the church, and by giving ourselves in service to the church. Rather than complaining when it seems like the flame is not as bright or passion is lacking, we need to look at what we are personally doing to keep the flames blazing.

The next morning when I was driving to work and saw the Eternal Flame of Freedom monument on the corner of 20th Street and Park Place North on the edge of Linn Park, I immediately called to point out how this fit our discussion. What does it say when the eternal flame is out of order? Doesn't eternal mean everlasting, never-ending? Doesn't it mean that the flame will never burn out? But the monument sits flameless with an "out of order" sign.

Why? I have heard or read several explanations. One is that someone keeps stealing the gas canister. That made me think that we often let others steal our flame. We listen to negative ideas. We let others distract us from the source of our flame. Although stealing the gas canister makes for a good analogy, I am not sure that explanation is correct. Alagasco supplies a gas feed to the monument. I have always understood that to be an in-ground line of natural gas - not propane tank.

Another explanation is that a faulty part needs to be replaced and there is a dispute about who is supposed to order the part and who is responsible for making the repairs. Apparently Jefferson County says it is the City of Birmingham's responsibility and the city points to the county for maintenance of the monument. A veteran's group is reported to have agreed to replace the faulty part. This reminds me that we often look to someone else to maintain or restore the flame, instead of stepping up and taking some responsibility.

But while I sit here and think of how the lack of flame on the monument of eternal flame was a great way to start an article encouraging people to fan the flame, I think how sad it is that I pass that flame at least twice a day and I cannot tell you when the flame went out. I have read that the flame has been extinguished "for years" or that it was flameless four years ago. But I think I have seen a flame more recently than that. I've read about a marine who sat vigil protesting the lack of flame. How did I miss that? Now, I do recall seeing someone sitting out there within the past several weeks and seeing news crews, but I did not really know what was going on. I have seen repair crews out by the flame. I even saw a flame there this week, but it has since been extinguished and the "out of order" sign is still there.

So a news story has been going on right under my nose - or 11 floors below my office - and I have overlooked it. Perhaps that is how the flame of passion goes out. We are too busy to notice if it is burning or not until it is completely out and it becomes a news item. Whether it is the flame of passion for our church or whether it is the passion of a relationship, we must be deliberate in fanning the flame. If we become too busy to pay attention, we will lose touch with friends; we will lose the excitement of our participation in church; we will shut down our communication with those we love; we will drift away from our partner; our passion will be lost.

Where is the flame? And whose fault is it if it goes out? The flame is ours to keep.

Sometimes I Feel Like the Samaritan Woman at the Well

I realize that this is not a lectionary blog, but this week's lectionary reading prompts this thought. You can go to many lectionary pages and read thoughts about this woman. The woman was an outcast. She did not fit in. She was at the well at a time of day that women did not go to the well. There are times when I feel like an outsider. Some "church people" don't think I am "churchy" enough. Certainly not what they think a pastor should be. (Apparently pastors are supposed to only say "Hell" and "damn" when preaching about the opposite of heaven and warning of the damnation of those who do not repent. And pastors are supposed to dress a certain way and behave a certain way and be boring.) The not-church people assume I am not fun because I not only go to church - I am a pastor. There are church people and not-church people who do not approve of me being a pastor because I am a female. So I often I feel like an outcast. An outsider.

I guess the good news is that I know that my real friends know the real me and accept me. I don't have to be perfect. If my thoughts, actions, words are not always clergy-like or even Christian, they will not judge me or think less of me. And my real friends know, as the song says, "I may be a Christian, but I still know how to groove."

Jesus knew the real Samaritan woman. Most people in town knew probably knew about her or had heard about her. But when Jesus spoke to her he actually knew her. There is a real difference.

The other good news is that God will use me even though I am not perfect. Maybe because I am not perfect. Much to the surprise of many people, God will use a woman to share his word and introduce people to Jesus. The Samaritan woman went back to town and shared her Jesus experience and people listened to her and believed. Then they went to meet Jesus for themselves.

Imagine that. God will let some woman who is not perfect by human standards to tell others about Jesus.

Unfortunately so many people have been broken down by their church experiences. I read someone refer to it as "church-damaged." Those judgmental church people have made people feel like that Samaritan woman before she met Jesus, which hinders them from ever experiencing Jesus. How can they experience the change that woman experienced? How can they know true love and acceptance when the church people make them feel unworthy of coming to Jesus?

Just a thought.

Happy ? Valentine's Day

Since I am really big on the idea of showing love - that Jesus had such an emphasis on love - you would think a holiday devoted to love would be a favorite of mine. But you would be wrong. Valentine's Day is one of my least favorite days. If you are in a relationship, there is such pressure for you to make this day special. If you are not in a relationship, this day just emphasises that fact. In reality, I think you should show your love for others every day. There should not need to be a day to express love.

While this has never been one of my favorite days, it now has taken on a sadness. Last year Alicia and I spent Valentine's Day in the hospice unit of UAB with our dear Paul. By the time we arrived on the evening of 02.14.07, he had already slipped out of consiousness. Family and friends had gathered around his bed. At one point, when we were standing right next to the bed, Alicia was telling Marie that Paul had been the closest thing to a step-father that she had ever had. We met and became friends when she was just about six. We started dating when she was in the second grade. At first we only went out occasionally, but by the time Alicia was ten, we were dating somewhat seriously (as seriously has I am probably capable) and he was a constant presence and influence in her life. She was commenting along those lines when Marie noticed Paul raising his eyebrow. She pointed this out to Alicia and told us she felt like he could hear us. I would like to think he knew we were there. On the day set aside to remind people that you love them, I hope he felt our love. I hope he knew how special he was (and is) to us.

But last Valentine's Day was the last time we saw Paul alive. He never regained consiousness. Glioblastoma had knocked him down. Infection that set in after his immune system was compromised by radiation and chemo was what actually caused his death on 02.16.07.

So today when everyone is wishing each other to have a happy day, I have had a hard time being happy. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot of happy things in my life. I am thankful for the many good things in my life. But just for the next couple of days, I think I will be sad. Because on this day of love, I am going to remember one of the loves of my life. And although I know he no longer has to suffer with a body that betrayed him, I miss him. So if I toast with a glass of wine tonight, I will say a toast to the life of Paul and say a prayer for his family.

Tell someone you love them today (and every day).

Who Do You Trust?

A very troublesome thing to have someone at church tell you to be careful who you trust in the church. Although I have known this is true, it is sad to hear it. But what may be equally sad is that when someone said they had only a select few that they trusted, my initial thought was that I trusted no one. Not just no one at the church. No one.

Someone in my law office asked me a question today. They said it was kind of awkward, but I was the only person they could trust to ask. And I wondered who at the office I would trust. Depending on the situation, with most things, I would trust that person. But in reality, there is no one at the office I would trust with everything. No one.

This thought has occurred to me before. If I ever had to have medical tests, who would I trust to be there as I came out of anesthesia? Who could hear what I might say in that twilight zone when you are under the truth serum? No one?

Don't get me wrong. I have some very good friends who know some good secrets. I have a great family with whom I would trust my life. But over the years, I have become very selective about who I would truly trust.

Some people I trust with my secrets, but I don't always trust that they are being truthful with me. I have a very good friend - someone I often describe as my best friend. I have told him some of my most personal things. I don't worry that he will share these with anyone else. But I often feel that he tells me what he thinks I want to hear about his life instead of being honest. I cannot figure out why he would feel he needs to do this. But I just sense he is not always being honest.

Some people I trust are being honest with me, but I would not want them to know everything about me. I would not want them to know some of my shortcomings. I would not want to disappoint them. Or I just would not want them to know extremely personal things.

So ask yourself today - who do you trust?

I keep thinking that I will learn to manage my time better and I would blog my often. But the more I try to manage my time the busier I seem to get. And I recently realized that my performance at two jobs and school is much like watching Delilah chasing her tail. A realization that at some point I have to make a choice. Or accept the choice that has been made.

When my home church decided for whatever reason, by whatever influence, that they would make clergy changes and do away with my position, some people suggested maybe it was to test my calling. Maybe I would discover that I was not, in fact, "called." And I will admit there are times I have doubted I should be anyone's pastor. There are so many times I just want to be selfish and do stuff just for me. I want to do something shocking. And there are sometimes circumstances that make me question my calling. I miss a lot of people at HUMC. I enjoy the warm welcome I feel when I get to occasionally return. Controversy and struggles at my "new" church of course made me question if I should just go back to being an active lay member at my home church.

But then there are times that I think I am not pursuing the calling to the degree which I should. Times when I can be in the church office more and things are really happening make me only want to do more. Reading scripture and hearing sermons about Jesus' calling the disciples makes me wonder why I think I need to hold on to my "real" job instead of just picking up and doing what needs to be done. And then there are the times when the "real" job pisses me off and I wonder why I would want to stay there. Why for nearly 20 years have I worked through lunch, worked weekends, nights, holidays? Despite being a single mom, I did not miss work when my child was sick. But do you think most people notice that?

I am not a perfect employee. There are certainly areas in which I could improve. There are certainly some people who do certain tasks better than I. But I am a damn good, hard-working, extremely loyal employee. Attorneys and staff call me at home - call me on vacation. I have taken work on vacation in order to help other people get ready for trial. I have missed funerals of family and close friends because of work. I missed my own brother's wedding because we were in trial. For the most part, I consider myself on call at each job 24-7 and I have bragged that each employer - church and law office - have been flexible to accommodate the other. But I am discovering that perhaps only my direct supervisor appreciates my loyalty and hard work. For others - not so much. When someone questions if I create a morale problem, what I actually hear is "we want to push you into accepting your true calling.”

So that really doesn't get me any closer to knowing what to do. I know that right now I don't feel like I do either job to the best of my ability. So I will post updates on this dilemma.