I keep thinking that I will learn to manage my time better and I would blog my often. But the more I try to manage my time the busier I seem to get. And I recently realized that my performance at two jobs and school is much like watching Delilah chasing her tail. A realization that at some point I have to make a choice. Or accept the choice that has been made.

When my home church decided for whatever reason, by whatever influence, that they would make clergy changes and do away with my position, some people suggested maybe it was to test my calling. Maybe I would discover that I was not, in fact, "called." And I will admit there are times I have doubted I should be anyone's pastor. There are so many times I just want to be selfish and do stuff just for me. I want to do something shocking. And there are sometimes circumstances that make me question my calling. I miss a lot of people at HUMC. I enjoy the warm welcome I feel when I get to occasionally return. Controversy and struggles at my "new" church of course made me question if I should just go back to being an active lay member at my home church.

But then there are times that I think I am not pursuing the calling to the degree which I should. Times when I can be in the church office more and things are really happening make me only want to do more. Reading scripture and hearing sermons about Jesus' calling the disciples makes me wonder why I think I need to hold on to my "real" job instead of just picking up and doing what needs to be done. And then there are the times when the "real" job pisses me off and I wonder why I would want to stay there. Why for nearly 20 years have I worked through lunch, worked weekends, nights, holidays? Despite being a single mom, I did not miss work when my child was sick. But do you think most people notice that?

I am not a perfect employee. There are certainly areas in which I could improve. There are certainly some people who do certain tasks better than I. But I am a damn good, hard-working, extremely loyal employee. Attorneys and staff call me at home - call me on vacation. I have taken work on vacation in order to help other people get ready for trial. I have missed funerals of family and close friends because of work. I missed my own brother's wedding because we were in trial. For the most part, I consider myself on call at each job 24-7 and I have bragged that each employer - church and law office - have been flexible to accommodate the other. But I am discovering that perhaps only my direct supervisor appreciates my loyalty and hard work. For others - not so much. When someone questions if I create a morale problem, what I actually hear is "we want to push you into accepting your true calling.”

So that really doesn't get me any closer to knowing what to do. I know that right now I don't feel like I do either job to the best of my ability. So I will post updates on this dilemma.